Blog

Today was another crazy experiment in self-love through the laboratory of pickleball. I deal with Complex PTSD, which usually means that in stressful situations, or where there's high expectations and high emotions, I can easily go into freeze mode and play way below my level. It happens to me even in recreational play. When this … Continue reading Self-Love plus a Gold Medal

Even though I dreamed of being married since I was little, at this point I can't think about belonging to someone else when I'm still working on belonging to myself.I didn't belong to myself for the first decades of my life, and didn't even realize the powerlessness I was living in for many more years. … Continue reading Still Working on Belonging to Myself

This was such a daring declaration at the time, for subjects to hold their King accountable for the misuse of his authority. But as they dared to believe that peasants were as endowed with inalienable rights as kings, they didn't yet have the bandwidth to extend those rights to men of color, or to women. … Continue reading Independence Day

Healing is not a linear journey. Weight or body composition is just one aspect of health which for many of us is a varied reality. After being underweight for my early life, it took a lot of time and consistency to build up muscle. I felt shame for having been so small, and so my … Continue reading Healing is Neither Linear nor Static

I just wanted to say thank you to my friends. I'm actually kind of surprised to reflect that I have many friends, here on the Oregon coast and all over the planet. I'm so grateful. Not having friends for the majority of the first 23 years of my life, combined with the unique trauma I … Continue reading I Have Friends

I am realizing I need to change my associations and relationship with failure. I haven't wanted to look at it. From way too early I was intensely shamed for making a mistake of any kind, and told that a mistake was proof that I wasn't listening, that I was rebellious, that I was out from … Continue reading Embracing Failure

You are all parts of you: the healed and the healing, the powerful and the timid, the confident and the hesitant. It's okay to be "inconsistent." Sometimes people think I am living in the past when I talk about my trauma. And I don't blame them, I get tired of it too. But there are … Continue reading Healing is Messy

I wish there was a way to relay what it's like living with Complex PTSD. I am sure it's super confusing and frustrating for those around me. I swear I'm not being dramatic. I'm not being petty. I just instantly go into self-destruct mode, and want to not exist. Imagine a soft-hearted, empathic little boy … Continue reading Like a Trick Knee

What makes a sheltered homeschooled boy choose to go to massage school? More than you might think. My dad started asking me to massage his feet when I was three. I was very eager to please, and I gave the best foot rubs I could. (I found out years later that he asked the same … Continue reading Why Massage?