Still Working on Belonging to Myself

Even though I dreamed of being married since I was little, at this point I can’t think about belonging to someone else when I’m still working on belonging to myself.
I didn’t belong to myself for the first decades of my life, and didn’t even realize the powerlessness I was living in for many more years. I think that’s why there has been a visceral resistance to being in a relationship, despite my intense desire for deep connection. I was so codependent for so long it was second nature to abandon myself, and I am still getting my foundation set of belonging to me…

My sexuality was deeply wounded and controlled. I can’t imagine my sexuality belonging to any particular woman before it really truly belongs to me.

Despite my hesitation to lose myself in a relationship, I do want to connect deeply and intimately with others. I want to practice my sovereignty and autonomy with others who are practicing their sovereignty and autonomy. I want to relate to others with curiosity, transparency, to have vulnerable and affectionate relationships.

It might seem like I’m just afraid of commitment, but I have been so good at commitment (to others), I’ve spent most of my life abandoning myself.

I don’t know if this will make sense to many, and we don’t have many good frameworks for this. But I figure with good communication, vulnerability, and clear agreements maybe we can create a world of sovereign beings who are wild and free and also deeply connected and supported.

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