Something I’ve noticed this week as I have been listening to Dr. Joe Dispenza and Amanda Flaker is that I have been trusting the negative things and not trusting the positive things. The last 15 years I’ve been working on getting healthy and strong physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
As an example, physically, I was weak and skinny and unable to build muscle until my early twenties. I have made a lot of progress in the 15 years since, but it’s been slow. It hit me the other day as I saw my reflection in the mirror and noticed some recent gains that my automatic response was to tell myself it was not real but just a funny impression with the angle I caught myself at. Then it hit me that that’s how I’ve been viewing myself all along, and not just physically. It’s like any great success is just a happy accident, and ultimately a false impression. No wonder my strength and size gains have been so agonizingly slow!
I think I must have chosen to agree with all the negative things that were said about me growing up and chose to make those more real than anything I could observe myself. I’m certain that because I wanted my dad’s approval so bad, I chose to dismiss my own discernment and desires. I couldn’t be strong, or funny, or insightful, or skillful. I had to be continually falling short, in need, insufficient, and weak, if I was going to match or agree with how he saw me.
So my resolution in that moment at the gym was that I was going to get super excited about every bit of progress that I thought I detected in size and strength and own it. It’s a representation of me becoming powerful in all areas of my life. I’ve been sabotaging my health progress by my identifying so much with how hard it is to see progress. So ironic!
But I want to do this with all areas of my life. I want to own my brilliance, creativity, insightfulness, compassion, empathy, tenderness, wisdom, and diligence. I want to drop the mandatory shame of being me in the hopes of a poverty relationship, and just shine as brightly as the incredible me actually does.