I’ve been learning a lot about trust and surrender, the choice of believing that things will work out for me. It can be challenging but it is also beautiful, to trust that there is good in the world, that we have more to be grateful for then we have to fear. I got to practic this in a horrible situation, and the results surprised me. It was when I was 15, and my Dad decided that me and my brothers needed to be circumcised. I really didn’t want to, but I had no say and wasn’t ever even asked my thoughts on it. I worked up the courage to approach my dad after a while, and shared my concerns and fears. He just laughed and said that my future wife would thank him someday. I thought my grandfather might dissuade my dad, but after some talking my dad convinced him, too, that it was best for us.
The dread was mounting as the weeks passed. We had a tour of the hospital a day or so before. The surprise and giggling of the nursing staff as they found out what we were preparing for didn’t go unnoticed. I felt absolutely horrified and powerless. On the day of surgery all of our stomachs were in knots. We spent a lot of time in the rooms beforehand in nothing but our gowns, waiting for our turn to be wheeled in.
But something hit me right as it was my turn to go. I realized that whatever was going to happen was going to happen. There wasn’t much at that point that I could do to change the circumstances. So, instead of being anxious anymore, I chose to surrender to the moment. I decided that I would not resist what was coming, but cooperate with and accept my body’s experience of the surgery and recovery.
What I experienced was remarkable. I went out like a light when the anesthesia was injected. I woke up remarkably cheerful and alert when everything was done. When the nurses were checking the surgery site, I felt resigned and accepting. I ended up getting my energy back remarkably quickly and recovering with comparatively surprising ease. Even though every fiber in my being detested what was being done to my body, my surrender in the moment allowed to me to avoid any extra and unnecessary suffering.
A lot of awful things that we experience in life are unavoidable. But when we focus on them with anger and resistance, it can only make the situation worse for us. Yielding to the moment, surrendering to the suffering, allows us to pass through with a little less trauma. It’s counterintuitive, but I am grateful to have experienced the magic of surrender first hand.
Have you experienced something similar? I want to hear about it!
2 thoughts on “Surrender”
Much of my life has been spent in a state of grief. I’ve been trying to figure out how to organize this into words, to understand WHY.
I have come to the conclusion that part of the reason I’ve been grieving for so long is that I didn’t surrender to it. I pushed it away to avoid feeling the hard things, and it all built up on itself. It won’t just go away; we travel through it as we lean into it and realize its purpose.
Thank you for sharing your story. It takes courage to be open.
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I totally understand what you were saying. It’s so hard to push into the grief and the pain. But allowing it to flow through us is actually a lot of relief after a while. Hugs, sister!
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