Earning versus Receiving

This won’t resonate with everyone, but this has actually been a MAJOR theme of learning for me the last few years. Struggling with extreme fatigue and weakness growing up, everything was naturally harder for me. Being told I was actually lazy and not fatigued also meant I worked harder to prove I wasn’t lazy and to earn respect. I got in a habit of automatically choosing the harder path, whatever it was (Marines, simultaneous work and school, lower paying career routes, not looking into school grants, paying everything myself, not asking for help, guidance, or support, etc.). Some of this was conscious, but most of it was not. I was committed to proving my worth, to earning my way, to refusing help.

As I have healed, I have learned that I don’t have to prove my value to anyone to have value. I don’t need my reality to be validated by any other person to know my truth. I am worthy of support and assistance, and it doesn’t make me less of a person to receive it (because I can’t lose my value). A flower or a tree doesn’t try to be worthy of the nutrients it draws from the earth. It doesn’t seek to prove it’s hustle to soak in rays from the sun. It doesn’t famish itself to feel deserving of drinking in the rain.

It’s a beautiful thing to rest, knowing that it is truly okay for me to be here, to receive, to enjoy, to experience delight, to feel pleasure. Yes, I am proud of myself for all the challenges I’ve faced and overcome, but I don’t have to choose challenges to be proud of myself. I’m pretty awesome and fully worthy regardless. 

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