This quote right here explains so much about what I have been experiencing the last 2 years and why I feel like my life (and I) have been changing to the point of being unrecognizable to my previous self. I am slowing down, I am learning to relax, I am practicing trust that I am enough and that there is enough.
Growing up in an angry, controlling home, I developed the habit of hyper vigilance, always being extra aware of what was happening around me so that I could mitigate any issues. All the health problems I had through childhood and early adulthood were stress related. Going right from that intense home environment directly into the Marines at 22 did nothing to help me learn that I was safe. Even as I was beginning to tune into my body’s needs and heal on the physical level, I was still addicted to some level of stress and adrenaline, a different kind of chemical addiction. For the majority of 12 years I was either working multiple jobs or working full time and going to school. I felt this nagging pressure to try to catch up to “where I would have been” if I had not been held back and controlled by my dad.
I hit a wall during the summer of 2017 when I was working in Michigan. My body, my mind, my heart, was so done. I was ready to be enough. I left my job there and stopped my classes, and took a couple of months driving around the country visiting people and places on my way back to Oregon. I ended up at the coast because that’s where some of my family is. I didn’t think I would stay as it is so slow here, but it’s been exactly what I needed. The last two years have been slightly uncomfortable because I have been forced to feel the ‘boredom and sense of meaninglessness’ Gabor mentions. I kept having the itch to get back to a high paced life, mostly because it was familiar and comfortable.
But as I have stayed present in my healing journey, I have come to be so grateful for down time, alone time, slowness, ease, joy, peace. It was hard at first, even a little scary. I was losing the identity I’ve had of myself, of always proving my worth. I am choosing to believe I am enough.
It can be pretty hard to articulate this kind of transformation in a way that others understand, but I am finding myself living in a reality and embodying a being that is brand new. It’s pretty crazy, and pretty awesome. I live in a beautiful place, surrounded by awesome family and friends, work a job that is fun and rewarding, and get to spend alone time with my amazing self. How cool is that? So grateful for healing.