I have been reflecting recently on how much my internal world has changed since a year ago. Before that, I was stuck in patterns of self-doubt and unworthiness. I had believed the childhood lies that I was lazy and afraid of work, and was in a chronic habit of over-committing myself in the hopes of proving that I wasn’t lazy. Because I hadn’t been allowed to go to college in my unusual and extreme family situation, I felt deep shame for still not achieving my bachelor’s, despite the Associates, license, and multiple certifications totaling more than 7 years of college education. And part of my identity was trapped in the prestige of the job I held, and my title. I felt if I wasn’t moving up to more and more impressive positions, then I would be a disappointment and lose the respect and love of others.
But it was during the season of life a year ago that my inner healing took a major leap forward. I’d been working with a couple of therapists / mentors, and through the process, I reconnected with my heart. I learned that the mind operates in terms of facts and statistics, but the heart operates within stories. It wasn’t the first time that the concept of stories has been life changing for me, but this time it went to a new level. I decided to get in tune with my heart, with the story I wanted to tell with my life. And it’s made all the difference along the way. I realized that I wanted to communicate with more people than any particular job would allow me to. I knew it was time to start focusing on writing down the things that I want to share with the world. So I put school on hold, quit my job, and began traveling back to Oregon via many beautiful rendezvous with wonderful friends and amazing places.
Since I’ve gotten back, I’ve written most of a book, which is now in editing, worked security to make ends meet, and have been providing fitness training at a new Lodge in a nearby town to its guests.
But the coolest thing to me right now is that I don’t need a certain job to feel good about myself anymore. I could do just about anything, and it wouldn’t change who I am. It’s not my position with a company that’s important to me, but who I am. I have come to know on a deeper level than ever before that I am the gold. I am the prize. Because I have been allowing the challenging and difficult things in life to make me sweeter, stronger, wiser, and more loving, I am continually becoming a more powerful force for good, wherever I happen to be. And I know that whatever job I have, whatever achievement, the value is not in the status, but in who I am. And I am allowing myself to become a more potent force continually.
Some amazing things that I am coming to be certain of for the first time in my life is that I am always enough, and there is always enough. That things are always working out for me, and that there is more abundance than we could ever know what to do with. Life is so beautiful, and I am so grateful.
I have to give a special shout-out to Julie Otte in Grand Rapids, Amanda Flaker via YouTube and distance coaching, and Abraham Hicks via YouTube, for all the amazing mentoring that have been so life-changing for me.